The Thin Line

Author: By Sapphire Soul

Photo by: Dwane A.

“The line that divides the darkness and light is almost imperceptible.”

Unstable Footing
I had to face the fact that I had miserably failed in my first conscious magickal attempt as I watched my father’s coffin being lowered to the ground.

He was too young to die. In perfect health, he played tennis every day, was not overweight, didn’t smoke, and rarely drank – and when he did, he never drank more than 2 bottles of beer at a time. He loved to eat vegetables and fruits, never liked burgers or beef. For healthy people, I knew cancer was supposed to take years, especially when caught early.

I was wrong.

At the hospital two weeks earlier, people came to visit him. I was by the window trying to cross-stitch a flower pattern. Even as he lay on the bed unable to move, I firmly believed he was NOT going to die. I had asked everyone I know to please pray for his recovery and every waking thought I had, every prayer was for him to get better. Why were all these visitors telling us to tell him that we were letting him go?

“Sigé na, you go to your father’s ear and whisper ‘It’s all right, we will all be ok here, you can go to Jesus, He will take care of us’ ”

For five whole minutes that was all someone said to me. Over and over. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Just felt the heat blaze to my eyes and stared back at the well-meaning lady on cancer remission. That is so fu**ing easy for you to say, my eyes said. I will do no such thing.

“She is not ready, it’s all right.” I hear her tell my Mom. I went back to my flower pattern. With several sleepless nights in a row of fighting for his life, and all they could say was give him up? My patience was wearing thin.

But before I had simmered down, along came another visitor who had the rare insensitivity of talking about me as if I wasn’t there, looking straight at me while saying in a loud voice to someone “kawawa naman sya, ang hirap sigurong magbantay” (poor thing, it must be hard on her taking care of someone) like I was a zoo specimen and I couldn’t get what they are really saying.

I closed my eyes to stop it from coming out but it did: a whisper, a prayer, a dark wish from inside, reverberating through my exhausted body. Why did you have to make sure I heard that? So you could appear all kind and sympathetic to everyone around? Am I supposed to thank you now for your pity? Hypocrite! YOU WILL KNOW what this feels like.

There and Back Again
The hospital was about a kilometer behind me when I finally outran my rage. Oh Goddess what have I done? Where did that come from? And where the heck am I? I couldn’t see beyond a meter from my feet as I walked; I kept my head down to avoid meeting people’s eyes, and having them see mine, watering with rage and frustration. I simply followed the sidewalk, and ran/walked for several minutes.

Wiping my eyes and looking around, I realized my feet had taken me to church. The only place I could sit quietly and be alone, with no one to tell me how I should feel or what I should say to a dying man who means so much to me.

Should I now confess all my sins in a desperate attempt to clean my soul? Would my prayers be better heard from a heart made more pure? Can wishes and promises be unmade? I sat and stared at the inverted sword that was the symbol of all Christianity and collected myself.

Then he died, and was buried.

I took comfort in the fact that since my prayers and spells don’t seem to work, what made me think that that dark wish will manifest itself?

A month later, that visitor’s parent had a heart attack. For weeks, she knew what it felt like to take care of a critical parent: the late nights, the frantic race for medical supplies, the uncertainty, the guilt. And I couldn’t do anything but offer to listen if she needed to talk.

There was nothing to say. Her parents seldom exercised, never liked vegetables, and loved greasy food in fiesta servings. People said it was bound to happen.

The Other Side of Sunset
As darkness overtakes the light this Samhain I am reminded of the delicate balance between the good and the bad in all of us. Though it happened years ago, the incident made me deeply aware of the dark side of our nature. A wrong intonation at the wrong time can trip me over the edge, with consequences that can haunt me for the rest of my life… did I help make that happen or was it really just meant to be? I will never know.

My father’s grave is covered now; I planted rosemary at the gate. I take care of the candles and the incense; Mom takes care of the flowers. We put a bench where it’s nice to watch the sunset, and it’s my favorite place to hang out: sitting on a bench beside a rosemary bush near my father’s grave, watching the sun go down and waiting for the stars to come out.


About the Author: A claustrophobic Virgo, SAPPHIRE SOUL is a licensed forester and is currently working as an information officer for an agro-forestry research org. Because of her eclectic mix of beliefs ingrained since childhood, she sees no contradiction between Catholic and indigenous belief systems (as well as Wicca), and have found a way to seamlessly blend the two in her life.

© 2006 Manggagaway E-magazine. Articles may be distributed freely on the condition that all accreditation is acknowledged, no part is altered and this notice is attached and the website: http://manggagaway-central.blogspot.com is included. ~ Thank you

Recognizing the Circle

There comes a time when our unique, even totally awful experiences make us the best person for something that needs to be done. Take a ride with Sapphire Soul as she takes you to her experiences, one of wisdom and growth. By Sapphire Soul.

Shit Happens
There is a reason for everything. Autumn comes to make way for spring – a necessary sadness. Shit happens in life so that you may either learn something, or be in a position to help someone else in the future. Happened to me a lot of times.

One clear example was in being romantically linked, showbiz-like, to a married man with kids. Years ago. It’s not exactly something to be proud of in Catholic Philippines. Yet the experience taught me strength of character (or stubbornness, as others might call it). Would I value the opinion of a nameless sea of gossiping faces over a friendship that has remained steadfast and loyal over the years? I don’t think so.

It taught me humility. Being “clean” did not give me anything to be proud of; it only kept me sane enough to sleep soundly. Yes, I have an idea what Sirius must have felt like in Azkaban. I may deserve to be locked up for “hurting” those who “care” about my reputation or lack of it (but not me as a person), but ultimately as long as I wasn’t doing anything adulterous they need to accept that it’s my life, so quit the intervention. Still, that’s stubbornness.

Humility came in understanding the human weakness. Now I can hold a conversation with those who are weak without feeling superior or judgmental as I would have years ago before it all happened. Or at least, now I can catch myself at it and stop before I get too high and mighty, spouting off arrogant, condescending, and mostly unsolicited advice to those who just need someone to listen. Because that’s how I was, years ago.

Oh Goddess, Now I Get It
What capped it off at the last was this colleague at the office who emailed me with a “problem.” Of all the people to ask at our organization, with offices from Luzon to Mindanao and all the way to Africa and South America, he chose to ask ME what to do with his feelings for this woman he works with. It was so intense, he said. He would seriously consider leaving his wife and kids if this woman would accept his yet unrevealed feelings.

It’s just working in close quarters up in the mountains, man, let it go. But no, he said, his feelings were so real that he’d make love with his wife but see the other woman’s face. “Well,” I said in my email, “let’s fast forward your fantasies and say she does agree to be with you, and you leave your family for her. Stop thinking about your life and your feelings for a moment and consider hers.

Her life would be hell. In the small community where you both are, and within both your circles of friends, she would be labeled a slut, a home-wrecker. And oh yes, you’re already close with her family, aren’t you? Her grandmother was very nice. How do you think her family will treat her now? Like shit. Would you do THAT to “the one you love?” If yes, then is what you feel truly love or just plain self-centered obsession?

If you really love her, let your friendship stay as it is, because that is a good thing in itself, pure and untarnished. Take the gallant road and leave the Lady Guinevere in peace.”

Well, he seemed to heed my advice and high-tailed it out of there with his wife first chance he got.

The Point Is…
If I did not have an almost similar experience, would I have given the same advice in that same manner that made the difference? Probably not. When someone asks for help, there’s a distinction between telling someone what to do (and railroad them into doing it), and really helping someone think it out for themselves. If I simply told him, “That’s just plain wrong, man, you should do this, do that, stop it or else I’ll…,” would it have been effective?

There comes a time when our unique, even totally awful experiences make us the “best person” for something that needs to be done. It may not be clear right now, but at some point in the future, the circle of a bad experience will close, complete, its purpose finished. It might take a week. It might even take years. And sometimes, the circle might be one of discovery. Maybe a non-painful but highly unusual string of events are happening around your life because there’s something there that you need to help you solve a long-standing problem. I can think of another example, but that’s for another article.

Open Your Mind
Looking back this year, why do you think things happened the way they did in YOUR life? Maybe the cosmos is trying to tell you something. Think karma. It may not always be easy (in fact it seldom is), but pay attention to what life is teaching you, apply it, and in perfect love, help others learn the same.

One more lesson learned, to jot down in your book of shadows as you prepare for Samhain and graduate to the next cycle of life, the next level of learning.


About the Author: A claustrophobic Virgo, SAPPHIRE SOUL is a licensed forester and is currently working as an information officer for an agro-forestry research org. Because of her eclectic mix of beliefs ingrained since childhood, she sees no contradiction between Catholic and indigenous belief systems (as well as Wicca), and have found a way to seamlessly blend the two in her life.

© 2006 Manggagaway E-magazine. Articles may be distributed freely on the condition that all accreditation is acknowledged, no part is altered and this notice is attached and the website: http://manggagaway-central.blogspot.com is included. ~ Thank you

The Adventure Begins

Take a ride with one of our newest writer in town, know more about her in this article which will take you back in her past, her beliefs and her magickal experiences in life. By Sapphire Soul.

Dear Jesus, I think I’m a Witch
It took a while before textbook Wicca sunk into my preconceived Catholic philosophies. For one, I had always adhered to the One God Policy because more than one was heresy. Unfortunately, the rest of the package has never been able to fully explain my unusual experiences as a kid, and I was not inclined to simply dismiss my encounters with the elementals, for example, as the devil in disguise.

Whether by destiny or by coincidence, I stumbled upon Wicca in my search for alternative remedies/herbs for migraine and insomnia. Although I have always been interested in alternative religions, Wicca called to me. I ate up books and web sites on the topic. And the more I learned, the more I realized how much I’ve practiced the craft without consciously knowing it.

How, during early afternoon walks with a friend or two, I would pour a small amount of my drinking water to the ground in a silent thank you to the earth before drinking some myself. How I would soak in the light of the rising full moon until it was high enough to hurt my neck. How at times I could see future events with uncanny detail, and so much more. Wicca seemed perfect, except for its polytheistic nature that firmly ran against the first commandment.

Echoes of the Past
As I began to practice the basic Wiccan circle during the course of my study, certain elements of my preferred altar layout became eerily familiar. A memory from my college days surfaced, from a field trip to Northern Luzon. My professor was hoarse but still shouting through the din of students more than enough to fill 9 buses. We were in front of one of the oldest churches in the Philippines. “Notice how the altars of old churches ALWAYS face east. You can take a compass and check the orientation of the old churches, they will all be facing east. This is because Jesus is symbolized by the rising sun, reminiscent of Catholicism’s pagan influences.”

Altar candles lit, I picked up my wand, pointed it outwards and outlined my circle, going south, west, north, and back to my east-set altar. My professor’s voice droned on in my head. “The masons also added more clues to the pagan past. Notice the church façade. They may be symmetrical but the symbols on either side are not the same. Phallic symbols are placed on the right (south) and feminine symbols are placed to the left (north).”

As I sat inside my circle and closed my eyes, images of museum effigies from the same field trip came to mind: antique figures of Mary the mother of God, standing on an upturned crescent moon, with a crown of stars above her head.

Full Circle
I never anticipated that in studying Wicca I would take a second look at the religion given to me. Although there are similarities between the two that are hard to deny (even the Sabbats, from an agricultural point of view were strangely similar to Catholic holidays), it seemed practically impossible to shed overnight everything that I had always believed in.

There are inevitable fears for contemplating a new path. It may be adventurous and exciting, but as crazy as it seems, I fear to lose my ignorance. Not knowing stuff frees me from the responsibility that comes with the knowledge. I fear being alone more than I already am, with people always thinking I get weirder and weirder every day. I fear losing my old religion and the comfort of doing routine, habitual customs and traditions. I fear being more emotionally distant than I already am with my family.

But the bottom line is, I knew that if I was to go any further in my studies, I would have find a way to seamlessly blend the two within myself. I would have to resolve the issue on the One God Policy.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty – the first line of the Nicene Creed, internalized since childhood, and source of my uncertainty for plunging headlong into this new path. Looking at it now through Wiccan eyes, nowhere did it say I should not believe in the Goddess.

Creator of… all that is seen and unseen – the elementals, part of this unseen world were also created by God, therefore must not be necessarily evil, or the devil in disguise.

For now, my take on the Creed will hold my beliefs together and allow me to explore this new path.

About the Author: A claustrophobic Virgo, SAPPHIRE SOUL is a licensed forester and is currently working as an information officer for an agro-forestry research org. Because of her eclectic mix of beliefs ingrained since childhood, she sees no contradiction between Catholic and indigenous belief systems (as well as Wicca), and have found a way to seamlessly blend the two in her life.

© 2006 Manggagaway E-magazine. Articles may be distributed freely on the condition that all accreditation is acknowledged, no part is altered and this notice is attached and the website: http://manggagaway-central.blogspot.com is included. ~ Thank you